I want to read more stories with intersex characters. I'm sure these stories exist, somewhere; but for all the reasons I mentioned in previous posts (ie: they're not really uplifted by queer reading lists & the intersex tag is full of futa porn) they're kind of hell to find.

The obvious solution, then, is to make it myself. But what to write about? This is probably more indicative of the kind of thing I read than of what trope is common these days, but a lot of queer stuff I read follow the structure of "character feels bad about being X, does some soul searching, finds someone who can tell them this is a thing, and then they learn that it's fine and normal to be as they are." It's a good structure. Everyone likes warm and fuzzy feelings. It's an important story to tell, that people can and should love themselves.

I cannot write that.

Nothing wrong with the genre. If it's your thing, go right for it. But I cannot write that. I told you guys; my problem is not, and has never been, my body. My problem is the doctors who lied to me, my classmates who ostracized me, society at large for erasing people like me. It woudl be disrespectful to my pain to pretend that it could all be solved if I just loved myself more. "Joy" or "pride" are not words I would use to describe my life as an intersex person; "rage" and "loneliness" are much more accurate.

If I am to write about my intersex experience in its reality, then I need violence. I need someone to die onscreen. Whether my intersex character is to be a violent murderer or a suicidee in a fit of mania, it matters not. If I am to write about my pain then I need it to explode. As someone whose body did not comfort to any gender, I was made to be a monster, so in the realm of fiction do I not deserve the privileges of a monster? Do I not deserve the warmth of blood beneath my fingernails? People looked away from my pain so readily, even now they're still erasing me- well, I dare you! I dare you to look away with a corpse across the words! I dare you to pretend this pain doesn't exist after witnessing someone killing themselves in ink, or getting put down like a rabid dog for lashing out against this unfair world! I dare you, I dare you, I dare you!

Ah, but no one wants this kind of stories. Me least of all; in a context where intersex people are barely represented to begin with, "what if intersex person was a murderer" and "what if intersex person committed suicide" are both awful things to say.

But what else is there left for me to write about? If you write an adventure where the problems are all caused by a big bad, then it's easy; you defeat the big bad and all is solved. If you write an adventure where the problems are a result of society, it's a cope-out to simplify the problem by making it all about the evil dragon. You have to kill the society, or kill the protagonist. These are my two options.

No wonder people prefer to write stories where the problem is the lack of self-love, eh?

I'm sorry. I wish I could write something happy, I really do. But all I have is anger and pain. All I have are stories you will not want to hear.